1. |
The Shirt I Die In
01:00
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The shirt i die in better be
A colour that looks good on me -
Thinning and most flattering,
Ironed and totally stain-free
I don’t need designer but
Better be of finer cut
Than the cheap-as-chips shirt glut
That has filled my wardrobe up.
When they find my lifeless corpse
Don’t want crowd to think ‘Of course,
That’s why he died before his time-
Primark was his sartorial choice’
Folks are quick to look at the surface
I don't like when I feel worthless
When it is my time for passing,
I’ll strip and face my death shirtless
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2. |
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Hope your divorce
Is a tour de force, and
If it can’t be pleasant, that there’s no recourse to being coarse, of course
Hope you’re insured
Against force majeure, and
Waking up to find your Porsche’s been piped full of manure for sure, for sure
Hope your divorce
Runs matter of course,
Though you both matter of course, perforce you feel full force of buyer's remorse
But it's a
Shame they don't print greetings cards that say
"You Were Always My Favourite!" or
"Happy Divorce, Sweetheart, Now Come Round Mine!"
- Would be truer than a Valentine's
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3. |
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I hope this letter finds you feeling better than last night, when we had a massive fight
When you tried to ride our old red setter round the sitting room,
High on ‘shrooms, also tried to set her tail on fire with my favourite broom,
Which you mistook for enormous lighter. Well, you never were that bright, yeah?
The sight of it got me thinking. Same old sinking feeling came over me as you were
Reeling back and forth swatting moths that only you could see
Off the curtains right in front of me. I’m sure today you’re hurting just like the
Potted plant into which you vomited. The bottom line is it’s not fine to;
So sadly it falls to me to be decisive, it’s over between you and me.
With kind regards, your pride.
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4. |
Nostalgia Is Shit
02:48
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Nostalgia is shit, you're just scared of death
A golden chance is lost with every breath
Always looking backwards
Never looking forwards
You might fall into a hole
Which could prove quite awkward,
Nostalgia is shit, you're scared stiff of death
A golden chance is lost in every breath
If you're living in the past
You will miss the future
Where we're being ruled by
An evil computer - ZX81
If that fate don't seem too bad, (Knock it off,Knock it off, Nostalgia is shit)
Afraid that you have missed the point (Knock it off,Knock it off, Nostalgia is shit)
The future‘s coming on regardless (Knock it off,Knock it off, Nostalgia is shit)
Fear won’t keep it at arms length(Knock it off,Knock it off, Nostalgia is shit)
Always looking backwards,
Your vision is impaired
Looking over your shoulder, you'll be
Crushed by a runaway boulder x 2
Or some such.
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5. |
Tzar Of The Bizarre
00:54
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The baron of barmy, amazingly crazy,
Don’t call me wacky or kooky or zany
serious batshit spread round the belfry
Its all good, Simply put, i’m mad, me
Tzar of Bizarre, the baron of barmy
I am a Major General in the Berzerker army
The fight against the straight line never ends
Mind, tree and lunch, I’m out to all of them
So far round the bend, my friend, i'm coming round again
Attack Round the back, from behind with my madmen
I'm the crackers king of potty stealth warfare
Sergeant Major Screwball, do you know why I care?
Tzar of Bizarre, the Patron Saint of Battle
Mental health is bad, but I'm psycho for the babble
The fight against the normals never ends
Mind, tree and lunch, I’m out to all of them
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6. |
Metaphor-nication
01:52
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Metaphor-play
Metaphor-way
Metaphor-skin
Meta for the win
Metaphor-nication - You say words are hard
Metaphor-nication - - Not hard enough for me
Metaphor-play
Metaphor-way
Metaphor-skin
Meta for the win
Metaphor-nication - You say I'm half smart
Metaphor-nication - but a semi will do
Lexicography is like sex for me
Chow down on the dictionary
Lexicography is just pornography
Semantics in my mouth
Metaphor-play
Metaphor-way
Metaphor-skin
Meta for the win
Metaphor-nication
Metaphor-nication
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7. |
Breach Of Trustifarian
01:40
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White guy with dreadlocks
And battered acoustic
Smoking all the weed and
Playing his bad music
Oh, you damaged my faith
in the whole human race
You're a reach, yes It’s a breach of
Trustafarian.
Cute dog on a string though -
His trust fund allows for
A gold-studded collar.
Such studied squalor.
Sure you're really nice,
not a barbarian
You're a reach, yes It’s a breach of
Trustafarian.
Sort of awful guy who spells
Akoustik with two Ks
Cos he thinks he hates
The English language
I sound really bitter,
Like a septuagenarian
You're a reach, yes It’s a breach of
Trustafarian.
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8. |
Star Wars List Song
02:41
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Obi-Wan's a Jedi with a Padawan
Anakin's a little boy who don't like sand
Yoda is nine hundred years old, kind of green
Kylo Ren is Ben Solo and kind of mean
Jar Jar is a Gungan and he's from the lake
Han Solo is a smuggler and a roguish rake
R2 is a droid who we all adore
Chewie is a...
Leia is a mother and can use the Force
Lando is a man who you can trust, of course
Watto is a merchant who's got little wings
Luke can do seemingly all sorts of things
Meet hot Stormtroopers in your area...
(SOLO)
Threepio's a lovely little golden man
Snoke is kind of difficult to understand
Palpatine's the Emperor, he's the top brass
Padmé's gonna kick some diplomatic arse
Those are all the characters you need to know
There are some more you'll get to see as you go
So better start watching before I say
All the other hundreds of characters in this expansive nine-episode saga that takes place in a galaxy far, far away...
I should get out more
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9. |
Pick An Animal
02:04
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Pick an animal and show it some loyalty
Otherwise it will pick you out its teeth
Pick an animal and find your Totem love
Otherwise it will tear your scrotum off
Pledge allegiance to your spirit beast
You will fit in or survive at least
Pick an animal and show it your testicles
In the hope that they will be impressed
Pick an animal and do your best Manimal
And just hope that they will soon forget.
Pledge allegiance to your spirit beast
You will fit in or survive at least
(Pick your Animal)
When you pick your animal,
To reduce any potential damage
Make sure that your choice is small and
Weak and easy to manage
At best, well, they will just look on
And shake their snout and act bemused
Worst case scenario results
In them eating you
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10. |
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"In the end
The love you make
Is equal to
The love you take"
Sorry to go all financial
but that makes no logical sense
That's a truly terrible deal
Offering me no obvious returns
There is no incentive to raise those stakes high
I might just put my love into an ISA
The Beatles were
Scally jokers
Clearly not
Insurance brokers
Sorry to go all financial
Did you even pass your Maths GCSE?
That is a mathematical horror
There's no chance of making profit
You better find a way to make those stakes grow
Otherwise I might just go down casino
(Love versus economics)
In the end
The love you earn
Is equal to
The love you spend
Every time
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11. |
Love Magic
02:01
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Why must you cut me in half?
Why must you cut me in half?
Are you just having a laugh?
Does it stir your wizards staff?
Love magic .. oh love magic
Wave your magic wand, it sure seems phallic!
Out of your hat, comes more than rabbits ...
Oh your erratic love magic
Please why cant you just explain?
Please why cant you just explain?
Full exposure is to blame
Do you think you're David Blaine?
Love magic, damn your love magic
Wave your magic wand,it sure seems phallic!
Out of your hat, comes more than rabbits ...
Oh your spermatic love magic
Your magic spells they cant end well
We must dispel 'Don't ask, don t tell'
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12. |
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My Friend Ronald’s biggest folly
Was wishing that he was Dom Joly
Rushing round all over town,
Acting the obnoxious clown
Roland had no clue, I could have
Told him what to do, he should have
Hired a camera crew to film his
Funny derring-dos, Cos if you’re
Going to stick your head up above the parapet, if they
Think you’re famous, how annoyed the crowds will get!
Stands Ups have no clue that
Life’s not funny ‘cos it’s true
At best life's funny peculiar -
A schoolboy error!
My friend’s next most dumb desire
Was being Michael McIntyre
That fat sack of all that’s dire, the
Antidote to beaming smiles, -
He didn’t heed plan of attack, he needed
To go buy a laugh track, and play it
Loud on his I-PAD, to fool the
Hoardes he would attract into
Thinking stand-up show was being
Filmed outside their homes - in the
Firing line, you can still make it out alive
Stands Ups have no clue that
Life’s not funny ‘cos it’s true
At best it's funny peculiar -
A schoolboy error!
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13. |
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A meal for one, some fish and chips
A takeaway for my birthday
Deliveroo & Uber food
Are out on strike for better pay
So I go down the chippy for
My one conversation of the day
With the guy who serves me, and of course he's chipper
Every single nothing comes into play
Endless small talk
About the condiments
"Do you want vinegar on that"?
"No. I'm afraid of corpulence", I joke.
This does not help my confidence
In a Bonzos twist, I don't exist
I'm a ship entirely made out of chips
And I cant float
I sit in my ship
Made entirely from chips
And oh boy, is it a good fit!
I sit in my ship
Made entirely from chips
As outside wears at it bit by bit
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Johnny Cashpoint London, UK
Made of cheese.
