Singing 'Bout My Cock Round the Campfire

by Johnny Cashpoint

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1.	What a Difference a Moustache Makes! 01:59	lyrics	buy track
What a difference a moustache makes It’s a well-known fact clean-shaven blokes don’t get the breaks Look at Magnum PI – Selleck brought the full face-thatch in To serve as a distraction from his most abysmal acting What a difference a moustache makes WIthout the furry monorail, a man’s just no great shakes Look at Adolf Hitler, he was just a rubbish painter - One nostril-shoe-shine later, he’s an evil world dictator! Bum-fluff’s not enough - It’s a tabula razor What a difference a moustache makes Curly-coated snakes, two useful things to cultivate Smokey and the Bandit, Lee Van Cleef and Joseph Stalin None of them were very good but didn’t they look charming? What a difference a moustache makes Well-bred men with Handlebars made British empire great We haven’t had Prime Minister with whiskers since Macmillan If Cameron got a face-hugger, then GB might start winning Hirsute pursuits are manly, just ask the Village People what Difference a moustache makes.
2.	Genophobes Anonymous 02:21	lyrics
Want STDs? The world is just too dirty To be safely flirty I would rather we stayed home Shall we go out tonight? No, it’s not worth the risk Let’s stay in and flick one off the wrist. Want VD? Gonorrhea, herpes? So many diseases, The world outside is just too bleak. Careful, cos Large hard-on collider, might Leave disease inside ya - I won’t even share a toilet seat. HIV? Syphilis? Not likely! Avoiding Hepatitis Simple as your ABC Otaku? I don’t have a loose screw! Lock myself in the loo Paper up my cracks with toiletries Shall we go out tonight? No, it’s not worth the risk Let’s stay in and flick one off the wrist.
3.	Pregnant Pauses 02:14	lyrics
Been in foreign parts for past six months with heavy heart, missing kid sister When she waddles up to me at airport, plain to see something’s amiss there First I think she’s just got fat but it’s not that, no, overall she’s thinner Not been eating buns, she’s got one in the oven, almost time for dinner I don’t mean to be rude But when she got screwed She really got screwed Me and her nerd lover, her McLovin’, we are gonna have a run-in Make him do the right thing by her, make sure babe inside her wants for nothing I am going to get him working like the Trojan he should have been wearing Leam him when you cock your gun for safety catch it or it’s shotgun wedding I don’t mean to be rude But when you two screwed Both of you got screwed (and now, a short pause to indicate the passing of time … Thank you for your patience. You will now be returned to your scheduled programming. Key change!) Back from seeing little sister’s guy, she’s there, expecting a straight answer - Can’t give that any longer. Pregnant pause. “So, sis I met your babyfather - A charismatic man! I understand now how your flower got co-opted. Talked me out of mine, as well. We’re going out. Have you thought of adoption?” I don’t have a clue - Only two of us screwed But there’s three eating for two
4.	Nicklas Bendtner Visitor Centre 01:46	lyrics
Footballer Nicklas Bendtner, that sometimes striker for Arsenal Built his own visitor centre in grounds of Valdemaar castle Which is in South central Denmark. Discounted tickets on offer - Visit both centre and Space Park for a mere seventy krone! Everyone and their monkey has their own visitor centre “why not me?”, so thunk he - arrogant Nicklas Bendtner! Pink football boots on display there, the Aston Martin he wrote off, Video of his adventures With three-litre bottle of Smirnoff, Animatronic Arsene Wenger shaking its fist, losing temper Whenever Bendtner fluffs sitter or’s photographed out on a bender Nickys’ tourism adventure -lesson in lack of awareness Had to close visitor centre -turns out we just couldn’t care less
5.	Electro/Cute 02:07	lyrics
Hipster Maggie and her boyfriend formed a cute electro band First gig out in Shoreditch didn’t go as well as they had planned Voltage differential between Moog keyboard and the mic stand Massive surge the moment that she touched it with her hand Used to be (electro) cute Now just pair of smoking boots - yes, she Used to be (electro) cute Now, she’s welded to her suit - Maggie should have stayed more grounded. What did she expect? Thanks to venue’s faulty fog machine the stage was dripping wet Audience mistake her death for just a cool special effect Hipsters all, they whoop, applaud abrupt end to her set CHORUS Dreams of fame and fortune not completely up in smoke Pandemonium caught on his phone by random bloke And youtube uploaded with a single keyboard stroke Posthumous career waits, as the butt of tasteless joke There’s more than one way to light up a room.
6.	We Are All Flying Tailors 01:37	lyrics	buy track
100 years ago Franz the tailor made a suit Designed to open out at heights into a parachute Franz the giant tailor made a giant leap of faith If he came up short, he'd be left with a red face No one dared to catch him, but he had the self belief and prior reputation for miscalculation He climbed the Eiffel tower and jumped off the summit Suit did not deploy, oh boy, a sixty metre plummet Franz the flying Tailor making leap for hall of fame Missed it by a foot or two, got scrambled by the Seine No one there to catch him, but the press caught it on film Ended up in failure, Franz failing forever 100 years and things are very much the same It's the hope that will get you in the end
7.	Rod Hull and Emo 01:12	lyrics	buy track
All you Emo children, lend an ear I’ve a story that I think you’ll want to hear About a guy who lived his life with constant cheer No matter how absurd the world appeared. Mister Rod Hull was a children’s puppeteer One who spent majority of his career Right up to the elbow in his puppet emu’s rear And never once got tired of the idea - though it was dumb To make your money up a toy bird’s bum. If that sounds a farce, his death’s the proof. Watching footy in a storm, the arial came loose Sadly lost his footing while he was up on the roof And plunged down to his death, the silly goose. And he Never saw the final score. His passing Bittersweet for sure, at least it left us laughing. All you Emo kiddies should be heeding Rod Hull’s lesson Life and death too dumb to be depressing, yes they are, You should live for fun, the rest is dressing.
8.	Just Another Brown Note Ballad 02:15	lyrics
Key of death has just one note Played real slow on a Casio VL Tone, batteries are running low And the operator doesn't know Key of death is the brown note x2 key of death is the key of off pensioner dressed up as a goth flicking off of the smoker's cough Just hasn't got the strength to stop Key of death is the brown note REPEAT VERSES 1 & 2 Just hasn't got the strength to stop x 4 Stop!
9.	What Killed the Dinosaurs? 01:45	lyrics
Was it massive Meteor Or virulent flu virus? Pre- Emptive suicide en masse To avoid that Miley Cyrus? WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS? WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS? NOT WHAT, NOT WHAT, WHO, WHO WHO? WHO KILLED THE DINOSAURS? WHO KILLED THE DINOSAURS? YOU KILLED THE DINOSAURS, YOU, YOU, YOU! Unintelligent Design - you Couldn’t stand those tiny hands and So You travelled back in time, had All the dinosaurs trepanned! CHORUS Also Terra Nova has an Awful lot to answer for, one Season of that show has slaughtered Reputation of Dinosaurs. (roll on Jurassic Park 4.)
10.	Handsome Ted Danson 01:31	lyrics
There will never be a standee made of me Standing in the corner of a Corner-shop promoting soda Pop. And that’s OK with me It’s not for want of trying so there Is no need of crying I will never be as Handsome as Ted Danson but I Know that I can be your Sam Malone There will never be A documentary Made about my awesome life and broadcast to acclaim on your Tvs. Controversy will not follow me like Lana Del Rey’s plastic surgery. CHORUS (Handsome Ted Danson The Damsel's dumb of choice) I am not afraid of Dying if you’ll be my Diane and Spend your life with me, your Sam Malone - Don’t leave me alone no no no
11.	Final Sex Fantasy 01:00	lyrics
Instru-mental