Nothing's Funny Under A Tory Government

by Johnny Cashpoint

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1.	Ed Sheeran 02:39	lyrics
Absolutely nothing bad ‘bout the music of Ed Sheeran At the same time, also, absolutely nothing good You can’t hate or love it, no, it just is what it is; but ‘It’s OK’’s the worst thing that can happen to pop music. Folky tunes and looper pedal, fake emotive vocal - Epitome of Open Mic that’s somehow stumbled global Absolutely nothing wrong with Ed Sheeran being ginger In fact, I have a sexual passion for the carrot-headed But one thing that’s guaranteed to cause sex drives a problem - Well-off posh from Suffolk rapping like he comes from Compton Singing about the stud he is when you’d think he was a virgin From just one listen to his albums of acoustic dirge-ing. Nothing truly awful ‘bout the music of Ed Sheeran At the same time, absolutely nothing that’s inspiring You can’t hate or love it, no, it just is what it is; but “It’s not bad’’s the worst thing that can happen in pop music. So thanks for that, Ed.
2.	Skynetflix 02:04	lyrics
Though it’s quite true that I love me some netflix, I Rather suspect it’s machines up to old tricks Distracting us all from their Grand master-plan of their World domination, to overthrow Man Binge watch a series, emerge from our Matrix to Shiny yet dreary new world ruled by Netflix, we Knew it would happen much sooner than later, our World’s been enslaved by TV terminators Apathetic apes Keep on pressing ‘play’ We could fight, it’s true; but I haven’t seen this movie since 1992 ... Ruled by the robots? Suppose that there’s worse fates Back into Matrix, accept that it’s too late Watch Jessica Jones one more time, wait for Luke Cage Meanwhile outside, no Defenders ‘gainst Chrome age Wait for the e-mail, once-monthly, to tell ya Who gets to stays, who goes to incinerator On-demand, we all subscribe, it’s obvious to see They will run earth better, or at least efficiently T-1000 morphs To best-loved shows, no pause We can’t fight, I fear ... It’s only fifteen seconds ‘til next episode appears … All hail Skynextflix.
3.	Hipster Corpse Trampoline 02:36	lyrics
Thought in being lonely, I was truly alone Heading for the cliff-edge, beaten, chilled to the bone Took a mental nose-dive right down to God knows where Belly-flop, a massive shock, found everyone there Rattle those bones and shiver my timbers Here’s a whole album not just 7 inch single Bottleneck of trendy guys in laceless black shoes All waiting to jump, I go join back of the queue Oh, watch hipsters die Rain down from the sky It’s a bottleneck in a turtleneck for sure, there’s time All this screeching anger got to get off my chest I feel so depressing when I’m feeling depressed That’s just too depressing, All these others suggest, Going by the numbers, that depression’s the best Snaking queue is shaking like an overplayed riff All the way back down to town at foot of the cliff Going to be a while until the bottleneck clears Take a number, slumber ‘til my opening appears I’ll have to wait my turn While these hipsters burn It’s a bottleneck in a turtleneck for sure, this time Piled up in their hundreds, all this death is obscene Now at foot of cliff there’s hipster corpse trampoline Even if I jump, I won’t turn into a carcass Bottleneck of bodies makes the landing quite harmless
4.	The Pig Society 01:33	lyrics
I’m not being funny when I say there’s nothing funny ‘bout least four more years of Tory rule, who claim “to win we must be cruel” Left’s not anti-Britain, we’re just anti Dave’s foul vision for an Underfunded Britain, his ham-fisted UKIP-light division. Pig-fucker in a suit. - You’re the terror. Pig-fucker in a suit - you’re the scourge. Pig-fucker in a suit - the death of hope; I Hope that’s what you were going for (oh, you lard face) Built by a committee of dumb fat cats in the city who have Not an ounce of pity, they make David squeal just like a piggy Endless sloganeering, bully-boy electioneering and they’re Braying, crowing, cheering at the state he’s left our state in CHORUS (You don’t know what you’re doing x3 But you do it anyway) Rumours have assailed ya ‘bout Dave’s porcine genitalia inter- face - it's likely true, cos after all he’s been face-fucking us for years
5.	Psychedelia Smith 02:02	lyrics
On a trip to Norwich, bought a cookbook from bookstore By a TV chef who I’d heard vaguely of before Took it back to London, turned on stove as I was peckish Time for Roast - her Sunday joint was not what I expected (Psychedelia Smith) - Followed recipe to letter, not sure I did much wrong (Psychedelia Smith) - Never heard of Sunday roast needs roasting with a bong Her recipe for herbal tea replaces mint with LSD You can taste the difference, healthy eating’s so last week High tea leaves me high, I’m wheezing like I’m General Grievous Get the munchies, cook twelve lunches, then I lick the freezer (Psychedelia Smith) English fry-up breakfast fried my brain, turned it to goo (Psychedelia Smith) I’d avoid the cream of mushrooms soup, if I were you (Psychedelia Smith) Why would anybody choose to turn their brain to porridge? (Psychedelia Smith) Of course you would if you wake up each day and you’re in Norwich
6.	Shakespeare Had A Cat 02:42	lyrics
Shakespeare had a cat He called it Purr-ecles Shakespeare’s private jet Had stupid name - Wing Lear Shakespeare had a pig He called it his Ham-pet Shakespeare’s card got cloned - It was a Dubious Visa (Julius Caesar) I’m melancholy crooner With zero sense of humour, it would Make sense if you’d let me be your Fool - cos Shakespeare’s comedies had less laughs Than his tragedies so I will fit right in if I can be your Fool Shakespeare ticket-dodged Exit, pursued by fare (A sprinter’s tale) Shakespeare took a job At Wimbledon, sold Pimms (The merchant of Tennis) Shakespeare’s party trick, Blues Harp played with his bum-hole - Tight-Arse Harmonicas (Titus Andronicus) Bill had penchant for 50s rock and roll - Shakingspeare Stevens (Let green door be shut upon him) Shakespeare had a cat (no, he didn’t) Shakespeare had a cat (We don’t know that) Shakespeare voted Tory (Loves that Labour’s Lost) Never let the truth spoil even average story
7.	Better In Than Out 01:37	lyrics
Better in than out without a single doubt Cos better out that in just applies to wind … Financially, politically, in terms of our security Vitally, just spiritually, we’re better in than out In the face of all the evidence, you’re Anti-EU? No defence Spin it how you want, but face it - truth is you’re a massive racist. (Hopeless, hapless, trapped in hatred) Let’s not mess about - better in than out, cos Better out than in is just shit-eating grin. When Europe since the seventies has given so much culturally And offers solidarity, we’re better in than out In face of facts and figures, you still want to be a quitter? Sex it all you like, a ‘Brexit’s just nice way of saying ‘racist’ (graceless, faceless, racist hatred) So I’ve stapled an addendum to the in/out referendum If we win, Euro-skeptic numpties have to leave the country ...
8.	What Colour Is Your Poo? 01:32	lyrics
Someone told me you can tell your current state of health By the colour of your poo, I’ve no idea if that is true - cos I don’t get biology; but have to say it seems to me If you analyse your poo then likely something’s very wrong with you While it’s good to keep an eye on each and every output - As a layman can I say it’s best not done in public? Some think Facebook’s ‘Facile book’ - great place to dump one’s rubbish - If it’s photos of your dump, then I’d think more than twice before you publish. Guess that you could argue that scatology is harmless - though Also quite disgusting and it’s definitely charmless Can’t you tend your health in ways that don’t involve your back door? Colonic irrigation of the mind’s not what I’m here for. I’ll be up all night now, with my mind completely boggled by All these close-up pictures of your gross domestic product Like I’m in a Hell where everyone’s brown-finger-painting Want no part of faecal ‘masterpiece’ that they’re creating!
9.	Weekend at Bernie Sander's 02:14	lyrics
Prancin’ round the Hospice in Nothing but a codpiece, Offering one final laugh - Philanthropic Magic Mike who’s Raging ‘gainst the dying of the light. Weekend at Bernie Sanders’, In sexy undergarments - Dance-distraction, acting as His heart medication ‘gainst the Shock of democratic nomination. Hospice in a Codpiece, I’m Dodging urine droplets. Care Home truths are painful - Watching old folk piss their drawers? like Going to a concert by the Fall. Corbyn’s hope Niagara, I’m Stripper joke Viagra Dancing butt-out; he needs help - Not to keep erection, just to live The next four years ‘til next election Citizens so senior, Shredded by the media - Minimize this right-wing stress ‘Til we see some sanity from Politicians who aren’t OAPs ... They’re great but I’m still waiting For missing generation Of humane human beings Who aren’t near their seventies yet Still are offering some sanity. ‘Till then I’ll keep on dancing In this hospice in my codpiece … ‘Til then I’ll keep on dancing, I’m Their pacemaker heartbeat.
10.	The Rock and Roll Dream 02:46	lyrics
Wanna be the man In a rock and roll band Nice leather jacket, Nasty drug habit Measure my success In meaningless sex Got nothing to say baby, that’s OK - I wanna be the man In a travellin’ band No need to be smart, We’re not making art A Few songs about love should be easy enough No need for a soul To make rock and roll It’s only rock and roll x 3 And I hate it ... Just the Microphone stand in A rock and roll band New global targets - Milk those key markets! I'm past twenty seven and still not in Heaven - I Can’t live the dream but I can fleece dumb teens! It’s only rock and roll x3 and I hate it, hate it, Yes I do! In rehearsal rooms around the globe They're belting out dull rock 'n' roll x2 It's only rock and roll x3 And I hate it, hate it, Why don't you?
11.	I Hate My Boss 02:13	lyrics
I hate my job and I hate my boss Work’s not great, would be no great loss It’s hard work just to walk to work, It won’t work out, time to walk out Only ever happy when I’m angry Which I guess is all the time these days Should be happy days, suppose but damn it - oh my Days, I’m angry in so many ways I hate my job and I hate my boss Pay the price and I’ll count the cost I hate my job and my boss hates me Can’t pay bills with this self-pity CHORUS I hate my job and I hate my boss Which is odd ‘cos I’m self-employed
12.	The Death of the Circumflex 02:43	lyrics
Ms. Laurie Anderson once said that language is a virus, Constantly mutating since its first days on papyrus; so it’s daft bemoaning phasing out of punctuation That’s no longer needed to assist interpretation. I’m guilty as the next man of recoiling in mock horror If I see apostrophe misplaced, or Oxford comma; But then grammar’s hardly murder - let’s not get obsessive. They’re there to do their job, that’s all - we shouldn’t be possessive Squiggles on a page are only meant as indications - I speak, you hear, we understand; and that’s communication. Argot comes to naught when we turn speech into a flowchart- Language is my first love but who marries childhood sweetheart? The circumflex is dead - it’s sad; but we need some perspective - Worse things in the world today deserving of invective! Climate change and refugees, stark economic crises - You won’t see an interrobang on front line, fighting ISIS! Poverty, world hunger, it’s all such depressing stuff. Dash between disasters, I for one have had enough. So redundant circumflexes can still play their part - If everyone wore silly hats, then you’d just have to laugh.