Punkelele, by Johnny Cashpoint

Punkelele

by Johnny Cashpoint

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1.	Pete Shelley is Dead 01:05	lyrics	buy track
Pete Shelley is dead, and the world it's moved on, A few facebook posts, then his memory was gone Pete Shelley is dead, the crowd didn't stop For more than one hour to mourn this great loss And if you don't know who this is Why are you still listening to this? Pete Shelley is dead, Won't let them forget Your songs saved my life, I am in your debt So what can I do to get them listening to you? I haven't a clue; but the razor hasn't cut yet ... Pete Shelley is dead x 4 he really is dead, he really is, oh yes he is
2.	Married Admirer 02:07	lyrics	buy track
I’ve got an admirer Who’s already married Tant pis! Fortunately They’re married to me You’ve got an admirer Who’s already married unfortunately To someone who's me A Bitter laugh from the better half Another laugh from the bitter half Another admirer Who’s already married Sadly that means we are Guilty of Bigamy Another man married Who is this new admirer? Stop! or we'll be in The National Enquirer A Bitter laugh from the better half Another laugh from the bitter half
3.	Vanishing Apes 01:21	lyrics	buy track
Terry Jones He was funny Now just bones Not so funny Neil Innes made good music Now his innards Make good mulch Just another Vanishing ape Caught for posterity on tape We’ll never see their like again Primates die, mate, it’s all of our fates Gary Rhodes’ Food was tasty Now he’s wormfood Not so tasty Peter Tork Now he was charming Til he died Now not so charming Just another Vanishing ape Caught for posterity on tape We’ll never see their like again Primates die, mate and there's no escape for us ...
4.	Heart Attack on Valentine's Day 00:39	lyrics	buy track
To the layman, Richard Laymon wrote sexy horror books; But if you want it explaining, we’ll need to take a closer look. He was murder victim in a case of life irritating art - One Valentine’s, The fates aligned, death snuck up and snatched his heart. Heart Attack on Valentine’s Day x4
5.	Jello Biafra, a Question of Confusing Homophones 01:40	lyrics	buy track
Don’t go confusing Jello Biafra With the ex-state known as Biafra That would be stupid, oh very stupid, so very stupid, un- Helpful and dumb Biafra was in Nigeria Which was part of 60’s africa Jello Biafra’s singer Angry is his chosen profession So there you go, there you go, Now You boys are in the know You shouldn’t mix up Jello Biafra With gelatin that’s Known as Jell-O That would be silly, oh very silly, so very silly and Make things so awkward ! Jell-O is a brand name. Biafra was in Africa Jello Biafra’s singer Was in The Dead Kenndeys So there you go, and aren’t you glad We’ve cleared up that big mystery?
6.	Cool, Raoul 02:02	lyrics	buy track
C'est cool, Raoul Tu l’as dit, Bouffi! Ca roule, ma poule Tranquille Emile! Petit a petit, l’oiseau fait son nid (cool raoul) Qui n’avance pas, recule, C’est la vérité , Raoul! Cool, Raoul A l’aise Blaise C’est parti mon kiki. A la tienne, Etienne ! Petit a petit, l’oiseau fait son nid (cool raoul) Qui n’avance pas, recule, C’est la vérité , Raoul! Cool Raoul Relax, Max... Cool Raoul Tranquille, Bill! Petit a petit, l’oiseau fait son nid (cool raoul) Qui n’avance pas, recule, C’est la vérité , Raoul!
7.	Cakeburner 02:34	lyrics	buy track
Kitchen disaster In Tadcaster Making cakes is a Tricky bastard Your reputation has been felled by Simple error - past the smell-by Oh cake burner, oh cake burner Used to be bubbly like Anthea Turner Now up comes the rage like you're Ike Turner princess of peach tarts no longer Say goodbye to your nice little earner Cottage industry big downturner Kitchen sink drama real page turner All the neighbours stifle laughter Your downfall was what they were after Oh cake burner, oh cake burner Thought they were friendly here in Yorkshire But they are all rubberneck gurners Queen of hearts dethroned fast, Real gut-churner but fast learner Being insulted, You can't stand by Neighbours all die In cul de sac drive-by Off with their heads, everyone is dead they must pay for branding you burner Oh cake burner, oh cake burner Oh cake burner, oh cake burner
8.	My Name is Dan 02:24	lyrics	buy track
Pigs tried to break me In Motherfuckers’ Babylon Crushed my spirit and my hopes Locked me up where I belong Thought I wouldn’t cope But I did the crime So took it like a man I did my time I am not a monster I ‘m a free man I am not a number My name is Dan! Yo they locked me up On a Prison Ship But actually, all in all It was rather a pleasant trip! Ooh really scary Locked up with Baddies But soon I made it clear That I was the daddy I am not a caged rat For you to keep in hand I am not a monster My name is Dan! I hope I don’t come back here At least I’m gonna try But if I do, and I come back next year I’ll take the first two weeks of JULY!
9.	The Birthday Tree 01:15	lyrics	buy track
Seems to me that christmas trees have unfair monopoly When it comes to holiday fun - Something really should be done. Though they show but once a year Xmas trees are still held dear. They even get a big gold star. This has really gone too far. So I’ve launched a celebration From a different tree plantation For arboreal diversity Let there be a Birthday Tree Want to see on live tv The birthday and the christmas tree Slug it out in big prize bout to Prove beyond a shred of doubt Which one casts the bigger shadow Over all our empty lives Will the winner be just you Or does your greedy Family thrive?
10.	Discipline (100% Fun) 04:06	lyrics	buy track
Discipline ... Discipline is everything Be a model citizen Take your moral insulin Insulate against your sins Discipline ...
11.	Soggy Biscuit 02:03	lyrics	buy track
I went to public school As pubescent Peter O'Toole I couldn’t be more middle-class If Boris Johnson kissed my arse I didn’t like school much Not enough cock-touch But just to be explicit I never played Soggy Biscuit Sog sog soggy, Sog sog soggy Biscuit How did this slander ever come upon us? He who comes first will come last, that’s what you tell us Coming last in some stupid non-existent game If it ever happens, it Never happened to me Story of my life it seems Lonely gayboy misery That said, my FMO Doesn’t stretch to stretching My genitalia inter alia For a chance at premature failure Sog sog soggy, Sog sog soggy Biscuit How did this slander ever come upon us? He who comes first will come last, that’s what they tell us Coming last in some stupid non-existent game
12.	West Coast East Coast 03:11	lyrics	buy track
It's much damper now in Quimper With the tears of British Campers They came to glamp but now they've tramped Into a special migrant camp Scared in a finestere There's so much racist hatred there White holiday dream lies in tatters, no matter - It's hardly Black Lives Matter Ici c'est le pays maritime Mais aussi c'est le pays Marine West coast East coast la folie partoute La Front Nationale est une force brute What else is there to do in the rues of Saint Breiuc but hunt down british holiday makers who're don't have a single clue Caravan cos-play over in Morlaix, Concarneau it won't spare you Come upon some right old dumb run over in Quiberon How much racist bile can you ingest in Brest? They're hanging the British scum sur le pont Lorient West coast East coast x4 Repeat chorus x2
13.	Among Us 02:47	lyrics	buy track
Who is imposter? Who is the mongus? Who is the traitor Who lives among us? Who is imposter? Who is the mongus? Who blew reactor? They are among us (Better luck next year, my dear, better luck next year) You might even catch me if you have a bad idea (Better luck next year, my dear, better luck next year) Things won't get better 'fore they get worse, I fear Impostore Who is the golden snitch Mongus amongst us One more task on the list Who is imposter? Who is the mongus? Who's just a crewmate Gave in to paranoia and hate (Better luck next year, my dear, better luck next year) You might even catch me if you have a bad idea (Better luck next year, my dear, better luck next year) Things won't get better 'fore they get worse, I fear (Better luck next year, my dear, better luck next year) Stabby and stabby,gunny more Gunny, if it wasn't so awful, it'd be funny (Better luck next year, my dear, better luck next year) Assimilated Macready ain't coming, he's already here here here Among us
14.	Some People Say Nice Things 01:45	lyrics	buy track
Some people say nice things Like “You’re looking trim” Even though you know you’re not With your overflowing gut Some people say nice things Some people … Some people say nice things Not wanting anything It can’t be a come on, not when Your body is one that no-one wants to come on Now I am re-energised To Go insult the many who aren’t nice.... I may be missing the point Some people say nice things That make your sour heart sing You know that they’re mistaken But it thrills and you’ll just take it Now I am re-energised to go be rude to those I despise - Thanks, some people!
15.	Screaming Skull 04:11	lyrics	buy track
Screaming, screaming, screaming skull x2 It’s not the volume though You’re really very loud It’s the unrelenting tone, could you Shut up right now? Friends come round for tea and meekly take their leave Rather than endure your Rants, cants and pet peeves Screaming, screaming, screaming skull x2 I put a sheet on you You spat it aside I threw you in the trash but You rolled back inside Screaming, screaming, screaming skull x2 It’s not the swearing though You’re really very rude Screaming from the sideboard just Kind of spoils the mood Screaming, screaming, screaming skull x2 Belting out on impulse A cadaverous noggin Sitting there just screaming and no Sign of ever stopping Screaming, screaming, screaming skull x4
16.	[haines] 01:35	lyrics	buy track
He used to be in the Auteurs In a cricket jumper and straw boater Lots of songs about 70s wrestling Not next big thing but next best thing Last of the Great Great British Eccentrics On the radio being righteous His true calling bugging the tight arse Grumpy southerner likes his complaining Not next big thing but next best thing Last of the Great Great British Eccentrics (LUKE HAINES) x 6
17.	Dancin' with Sleazy 03:23	lyrics	buy track
Our friend Peter is a hell of a guy But he's got some weird desires buying drinks for good looking twinks Then asking them to set his bits on fire Not aggressive, just transgressive He would never even hurt a fly But when super-high, cruise the wrong guy - Before the night's out, someone going to die Dancing with Sleazy keep an eye on his roving eye Dancing real sleazy Keep him distracted, occupied Our friend Peter is a lovely guy But he has got some peculiar tastes So for his own good Our aim tonight is to keep his lust in its place We are his entourage we owe it to him To stop him doing something he regrets Put on your sparkliest dancing shoes, Cos we're off to a specialist private address Dancing with Sleazy keep an eye on his roving eye Dancing real sleazy Keep him distracted, occupied Our friend Peter is a really smart guy But he's got a skewed logic That starts with sado-, ends with -masochism The in-between is homoerotic Peter hates the nanny-state So he mustn't know what we're up to Wonder how he got the nickname sleazy? you'll soon see, when he rubs up to you Dancing with Sleazy keep an eye on his roving eye Dancing real sleazy Keep him distracted, occupied I have made a terrible mistake, Forgot about the others with similar tastes We are in danger but Pete is safe 'cos Everyone is sleazy n this place ...
18.	No Cats in Space 01:39	lyrics	buy track
We gotta go now, we gotta go oh oh Spaceships are ready, they’re refugee-heavy We gotta go now, go with the flow oh oh Planet is dying, fly before the earth gets frying You throw me a curveball, won’t leave Earth without your furball Say it’s not worth it now, leaving earth behind for space With no cats to sit on on a sleeping astronaut’s face Asleep in the captains chair, or just strutting about At the airlock window, wanting to be let out Say "Space social media will be all the weaker", ask "What does the future hold if we can’t post cat videos?" I leave you behind. You’re out of your mind.
19.	I am Your Radio 02:56	lyrics	buy track
Turn me on, I'll turn you on I will play your favourite song And everyone will dance along How can that be any way wrong? Offer you deal of the week Turn my dials and I will peak Transistors fried you're on the cheap Enthusiastic freaks and geeks Hey weak-minded beat Truth seeker I don't want you any weaker, so Press your ears against my speakers Let me be your ethics teacher (What is a radio?) Can't you see that your radio is me? (How is a radio?) Oh how the radio will set you free! (What is a radio?) Christine of the airwaves Time to trigger endgame (How is a radio?) Spread my words by broadcast And so it comes to pass
20.	Butt Butts But ... 01:13	lyrics	buy track
Such a lovely couple Both love a bit of massive Nothing wrong with that, boys But you're both strictly passive So question springs to mind,boys When snuggled up a deux If Sexy comes to mind, Just what do you two do? Butt buttocks for your fun, boys? Dream of sexy bum-boys? Top trumps love the hot rumps, Do you thruple for your bumps? I don’t care at all, boys, What you do for closed door fun As long as you’re well set and Happy in your boredom You’re fine and you don’t care So I'll just shut up But but but ...
21.	Kinda Okay 02:42	lyrics	buy track
Oh, When people say "I'm doing okay" What they really mean Is "I am going to scream" I'm doing okay, i'm doing okay, Doing okay, well, kinda okay Pain inside, keep the pain inside, Keep the Pain inside to keep the pain away When people say "I'm doing okay" What they really mean Is "where the Hell you been? I need all the helps I am falling apart" But folk are taught to hide All the pain in their hearts I'm doing okay, i'm doing okay, Doing okay, well, kinda okay Pain inside, keep the pain inside, Keep the Pain inside to keep the pain away Don't you go and show it, I don't want to see it Dignity, restraint is all there is to it Hide in the darkest hole Of your dark,dank soul I'm doing okay, i'm doing okay, Doing okay, well, kinda okay Pain inside, keep the pain inside, Keep the Pain inside to keep the pain away Don't you go and show it, I don't want to see it Dignity, restraint is all there is to it Don't you go and show it, I don't want to know it Dignity, restraint is all it's got going to it
22.	Chris Martin Keeps Sending Me Pictures of His Cock 02:15	lyrics	buy track
Chris Martin keeps sending me pictures of his cock Yes, the Coldplay singer and I wish that he would stop It’s not an unpleasant sight, please don’t get me wrong Not got a lot of girth,you see, but it’s unfeasibly long (Oh Chris Martin) Well, Chris Martin, I beg your pardon I don't want to see jpegs of your hardon Chris Martin keeps on sexting me, inviting me to his bed Too much time on his hands, rush of blood to his head Changed my number least three times but somehow they always find ya I don’t know if it’s really him, not sure why he’s on grindr (Oh Chris Martin) I don't have to be The Scientist To see it's thin and not really that thick Must be him - his profile states that he’s into yellow I have to say he really is the most persistent fellow Something i never thought I’d think now springs to mind Please go make a new Coldplay album, keep him occupied (Oh Chris Martin) Here's my hymn for the weekend Not to see pictures of your bell-end
23.	My Bubble 01:17	lyrics	buy track
Stay In my bubble It’s nice in here Not like out there That’s shits and fear Stay in my bubble Why would I leave Too late for you kids All you can do is grieve I’m floating away No reason to stay Keep me afloat And safe in this lifeboat You say "living in a bubble" Like it’s a bad thing x4 I'm gong to stay down here in My bubble

about

"Punkelele" is a ukelele played through a distortion filter.

credits

released October 15, 2020

All tracks written and reccorded in London during 2020 except Tracks 1,4, 8, 14 and 23 written in 2019.
All songs written by Johnny Cashpoint except track 5 words by Johnny Cashpoint, music by Johnny Cashpoint & Andy Balham and track 8 words by Dan Treacy and music by Johnny Cashpoint.
Andy Balham plays bass on track 5.
Includes samples found at freesound.org.
Everything else played by Johnny Cashpoint.